In my last blog post, I described how perfectionism can be passed down from generation to generation if allowed to persist. In my own upbringing, blue ribbons in horse shows, A’s in grades and winning in sports were strongly encouraged — and that is putting it mildly. I did pass some of that down to my daughter, although I hope to a lesser degree.
I suggested that in order to heal from the specter of perfectionism and to avoid making it your legacy, one would first need some self-awareness and also compassion for the child within, who wanted so much to please her parents and other persons of authority. The pat on the head, the “atta’ girl,” the “well done” and the approval made it all worthwhile back then. But that was then, this is now. Now you need only please yourself in a kind and compassionate way.
Now is the time for accepting who you are. The past is gone, and now you can heal the need to be perfect in several ways:
1. Love on the girl or boy that you were back then and the beautiful soul that you are today. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone. You are loved just as you are. You are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” (Psalm 139:14)
2. Have some fun. Try new things. Give yourself a break. Perhaps you stymied yourself from trying new things in the interim because you were afraid of failing. Take a class for no grade or maybe even allow yourself to get a C. When I took a class recently, I was striving to get my usual A and stressing about it. My husband suggested that I let myself get a C. Although the idea seemed preposterous at the time, it also seemed liberating and a relief.
3. Try a “do-over” just for the heck of it. If you were someone who got first places on the swim team growing up, how about having some recreational swim time in the pool with your kids or grand kids. Play games. Act goofy. Have a blast. NO swimming laps allowed, unless you let your grand daughter win in a lap race.
That’s what I did. I decided to take a riding lesson for fun. An unthinkable idea back in the 1960’s when I was under the tutelage of a WWII Austrian cavalry officer and competing for the blues. I felt some nervousness, but also some excitement. Man, it felt good to be back in the saddle. And amazingly, I hadn’t forgotten much. But as I was sitting on the horse, I thought to myself, “You don’t have to perform or win a blue ribbon. Sit back and enjoy the freedom and joy of just being right here in this moment and lovin’ it.” And so I did. “Atta’ girl.”
Jane Springer is a certified Life, Wellness and Style Coach who assists women in taking care of themselves, in body, mind and spirit. She coaches women who want to lose weight, avoid diabetes, and feel great. She also helps them thrive after divorce. She also helps them to clear their closets of old clothes and outdated attitudes, so they can shine and feel confident.