“You’re talking too loud!”, I said, with a tone somewhere between impatience and anger. My husband of 15 years replied in a similar tone, “Put your headset on; this is a cognitive problem, not a hearing problem!”
We had been co-working in the house for more than a month, and our nerves were really starting to get on edge. Usually, he was gone all day, leaving me in peace and quiet to get my work done. Now, we were dealing with Zoom and speaker-phone calls. We had reached our limit.
This may seem like a passing situation. But when added up with other similar moments, it can lead to emotional distancing from your partner. Left unaddressed, it can cause a chasm between partners that is difficult to mend.
Many difficult circumstances can happen over the span of a marriage – illness, job changes, problems with children, and deaths. Unless we pay attention to our partner’s well-being and the state of our relationship, we can drift toward estrangement. So how can we minimize the day-to-day effects of minor irritations and more severe breakdowns in a partnership? Here are a few that we use to keep our marriage strong.
- “Turn Towards Instead of Away,” author John Gottman advises couples facing difficulties. By this Gottman means that, regardless of the argument, assume the best of your partner. First, take a time out, if you need to. Let your emotions cool down. Then come back together for a conversation, both sharing your feelings. Show interest. Don’t give unsolicited advice. Take your spouse’s side; be supportive, even if his or her perspective seems unreasonable. Express affection and validate emotions. I can’t tell you how many times we have reminded ourselves of this principle and found resolution to a heated situation.
- Intimacy can go a long way towards soothing difficult circumstances. There are different kinds of intimacy, for example: emotional, social, intellectual, recreational, spiritual and physical. Any intimacy can help a couple navigate tough times. For us, spiritual and physical intimacy are especially important. Our faith is infused into all aspects of our marriage. When we encounter problems, we remind ourselves of the sacramental commitment we made to each other. We will figure out a solution. When we address our challenges face-to-face with touch, we recreate our connection in an atmosphere of love. On our recent anniversary, we watched the video of our wedding and it reminded us of the intimate way we were feeling at the time, both spiritually and physically.
- Lastly, always remember the words of St. Paul in Ephesians 4:2: Treat each other “with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love,…” How many times do we come back to this one verse when we are worried, angry, distracted or unhappy with our partner/spouse? As many as necessary.
No matter what we are going through, we can weather any storm successfully by turning towards our partner, embracing intimacy, and bearing with one another in love.
Are you struggling a bit in your relationship right now? If so, let me know how by emailing me at jane@janespringer.com. We’ll talk about how we can work together on transforming your relationship to what you want it to be.
Also, have you downloaded my Divinely Inspired Weight Loss Guide yet? You can jump start your weight loss quickly with the tips outlined in the guide here.
In life and health,
Jane
Jane Springer is a certified Life, Wellness and Style Coach who assists women in taking care of themselves, in body, mind and spirit. She coaches women who want to lose weight, avoid diabetes, and feel great. She also helps them thrive after divorce. She also helps them to clear their closets of old clothes and outdated attitudes, so they can shine and feel confident.