“Do it again, do it again, do it again!” my ex-Nazi riding instructor’s voice reverberated in my head until I performed perfectly, jumping my horse over fence after fence until I got it “right”. I was 8 years old. Mr. V. was used to having his charges obey him,spurring them on to win blue ribbons and trophies. I listened to this every week until I was 13 years old. I remember how my stomach churned when I had to compete in horse shows.
Such formative years! Yes, I had play time with my friends. Watched T.V. Went to birthday parties. But it was Mr. V’s voice that ingrained itself into my young, impressionable brain. “Do it again!”. Unfortunately, it bled into other areas of my life. Getting good grades, performing in plays, competing in sports, running for office. I have to admit, I sometimes still hear it today.
Perhaps you have memories of parents, grandparents, teachers or coaches that expected nothing less than an A, blue ribbon, or a win.
When I had my daughter, I loved her, encouraged her, and lifted her up when she fell down. Even though I don’t think that I verbally pressured her to excel, I must have transmitted it somehow, because she was always very competitive, wanting to win at games, running for office, holding positions of authority and is a very successful realtor today. Hopefully, I didn’t leave such a legacy of perfectionism that it is passed down to my twin grandchildren.
When my grandson, who is on the autism spectrum, started horseback riding when he was 3, it was so that he could improve his coordination, strengthen his muscle tone, and help him with following instructions. He loved it. Then he started riding in horse shows. The first horse show he was in, I thought I was going to throw up. Literally. How quickly it all came back to me. It was as if I were going to show again. Thankfully, he was oblivious to the meaning of the different colored ribbons and just enjoyed the sound of people clapping and cheering. He did not care what he got. I have done my best to make horse shows fun and not stressful. With each show, my own anxiety has lessened. I have been healed, as he has had fun.
When my granddaughter, his twin, expressed that she would like to ride, too, she said she did not want to ride in horse shows. I told her, with a loving heart, that she would never have to ride in a horse show, if she didn’t want to. And she hasn’t. And that’s just fine with me. I have let the voice of Mr. V soften, until it is no longer quite as loud, quite as strident. But it still rears its ugly head from time to time, even in the start-up of my wellness coaching business.
What legacy will you leave to your children and grandchildren? What have you consciously or unconsciously passed on to them? The need to be perfect, as maybe you were taught to be, just as I was? What can you do to change the legacy you might leave? How about having your own self-awareness, and then giving them acceptance, encouragement without pressure, and unconditional love? That is what I hope I am leaving to my precious loved ones. I hope they remember me as the one who cheered them on with no strings attached – to just grow up to be loving, compassionate and vibrant human beings. That, with luck, will be my legacy.
Jane Springer is a certified Life, Wellness and Style Coach who assists women in taking care of themselves, in body, mind and spirit. She coaches women who want to lose weight, avoid diabetes, and feel great. She also helps them thrive after divorce. She also helps them to clear their closets of old clothes and outdated attitudes, so they can shine and feel confident.