When we think of divorce, we usually don’t think of it as an opportunity.
Divorce can be a painful experience. A complete disruption in our lives. What leads up to it can be traumatic. What happens after may be even worse.
Our feelings may be all over the place. Devastated. Sad. Relieved. Shocked. Overwhelmed. Guilty.
If you have been through a divorce, I’m sure you can come up with more.
I’ve been through two divorces and they were all those things. I felt all those feelings.
Many years later, I can look back and realize that they were part of my growing and maturing. But it was a process and it took time.
Looking back, I now realize that divorce can be an opportunity to grow mentally and spiritually. It’s a chance to evaluate and contemplate three possible areas in the marriage to both heal and move on after divorce.
- What Went Well: Learning all about each other in an intimate way. Learning how to live with someone in a thoughtful and flexible way. Learning how to love someone deeply. Sharing the rearing of children, if you had them. Sharing your faith. Growing together in your interests. Knowing he/she had my back. You will be able to list your own here. Think back about what was positive about the marriage. They may not be the same as the ones listed here.
- What Didn’t Go Well: Lack of communication. Lack of real intimacy. Disregard of the other person’s feelings. Not sharing responsibilities. Not sharing a faith life. Completely separate activities. Not getting to know each other long enough before marriage (short courtship.) Not seeing red flags, such as alcohol or drug abuse. Abuse (physical and emotional.) You will have your own list.
- What You Learned: Take time to get to know each fully (don’t rush the courtship.) Talk about the big issues before marriage, such as having children, household responsibilities, will you share a faith life, etc.) Take a marriage prep course or class. Discuss what intimacy will look like for each of you. Share your deeply held beliefs (political, religious, etc.), so that they don’t come as a surprise after marriage. Again, you will have your own to list here.
What’s important to remember is that divorce should not be an opportunity to beat yourself up about failure or to dwell too long on what your partner did wrong. (There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1) Give yourself time to heal before jumping into another relationship. Take what you learned into a healing journey. That is what I did after my divorces. Get help with this, if you need it.
Divorce is an opportunity.
I work with men and women on not only healing, but thriving after divorce. If you are struggling a bit after divorce or not moving forward, let’s chat. Contact me here and we’ll have a call to talk about your challenges and see if we might be a good fit to work together.
I’ve been through divorce and have learned how to thrive after. You can, too.
Blessings,
Jane
Jane Springer is a certified Life, Wellness and Style Coach who assists women in taking care of themselves, in body, mind and spirit. She coaches women who want to lose weight, avoid diabetes, and feel great. She also helps them thrive after divorce. She also helps them to clear their closets of old clothes and outdated attitudes, so they can shine and feel confident.