Every night my husband and I do a simple, powerful practice that keeps our relationship strong and gives us a chance to reconnect after our day. We learned this practice from Fr. Matthew Linn, a Jesuit priest who gives retreats all over the world on healing. He and his brother and sister-in-law wrote a book about it called “Sleeping with Bread: Holding What Gives You Life.”
Here is how Fr. Linn describes the practice: “If you were to join us in either of our homes at the end of almost any evening, or if you were to attend one of our retreats, we would invite you to do with us the process described in the book. This book is about asking ourselves two questions: For what am I most grateful? For what am I least grateful? These questions help us identify moments of consolation and desolation. We call this process the examen.
“We have given retreats in over forty countries, and we find that regardless of culture or age group, this simple process is the most helpful way for people to hear the voice of God guiding them from within. For example, should people bring us many questions ranging from, ‘Should I change my job?‘ to What can help me with my depression?’ We usually suggest they spend the next month focusing each day on the examen questions. Such people often return a month later having discovered from their own experience of consolation and desolation exactly what they should do more of and less of in order to resolve their problem.”
After hearing about this simple practice, my husband and I started asking each other every night before sleep, “What was your most grateful and what was your least grateful today?” After taking a few moments to think about it, we share when we felt really good (closer to God) and when we felt bad or sad or “desolate” during the day.
If you do this as a consistent practice, you will begin to notice patterns of what brings you joy and what makes you feel, to use the vernacular, “icky.” For instance, whenever I have time with my family, and especially my grandchildren, that will be my “most grateful” for the day. My husband may have had a really productive meeting at work for which he is “most grateful.” If you track this over weeks or months, you will notice patterns of what enriches your life, lights you up, or gives you energy.
Conversely, when you talk about what you are “least grateful” for, you discover what drains you, what pulls you farther away from God, perhaps what you should let go of….For instance, if dealing with a certain person lands on the “least grateful” list over a period of time, you may recognize that you need to limit or eliminate contact with that person.
From there, you discover answers to powerful questions you may have in your mind, so that you can make sound decisions about what to do more of and what to do less of…
The reason we, as a couple, find this such a powerful practice is that we are sharing what has deep meaning for us. We are sharing feelings and needs, which is at the deepest level of intimacy and communication.
This practice does not have to be just for married couples. Definitely not. You can do it over the phone with friend, with a significant other, even your children. When you are dating, it is an opportunity to start finding out if you can share your deepest feelings and needs with that person.
As a way of putting it together after sharing, you can contemplate what you may want to do differently in the future, what to move towards, what you could do better, what you want to work on, and what you want to avoid.
This powerful practice can make your relationships stronger, closer and more intimate. Try it and see how it works. Then let me know what changes it makes in your life and in your relationships in the comments section.
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Jane Springer is a certified Life, Wellness and Style Coach who assists women in taking care of themselves, in body, mind and spirit. She coaches women who want to lose weight, avoid diabetes, and feel great. She also helps them thrive after divorce. She also helps them to clear their closets of old clothes and outdated attitudes, so they can shine and feel confident.